7/19-7/26: Radiation Treatments #20 – #25

What started out as a not so good week last week, ended with a turn around of attitude and spirit. I apologize for not posting updates on Kevin sooner. At first, I didn’t post because Kevin was not doing so swell. After the side effects from chemo had passed, he didn’t perk up like he did the first time. He continued to want to stay in the bedroom, and was avoiding hanging out even when the twins came over.

Treatments #20 to #25: Treatment #20 fell on Thursday, July 19th. Side effects progressively got worse. The radiation causes taste buds to change and sinuses to produce massive amounts of phlegm.  He started saying, “My mouth is a mess.” This meant the taste of his own saliva was rancid to himself.  The worse the phlegm, the more it produced saliva which was not a good thing. He began choking on his own saliva and phlegm. At times, his choking had me worried to even leave him alone. He started getting acid re-flux regularly. Prilosec caplets don’t dissolve well, and we realized the capsules he was taking, were not making it down his throat. The long acting acid reducers are all capsules, and cannot be crushed. So, I know crush up Zantac 150, twice daily and give it to him in his feeding tube.

Down in the Dumps: On Friday night, when Addie came into the bedroom, he didn’t look up from the tv. He sat there with a look of discomfort and distress. Saturday, Cheyenne & Shelby came over, and he stayed in the bedroom. When they came up to see him, he avoided talking to them as well. Each feeding he looked miserable, and I truly cannot blame him for feeling that way. We had 2 1/2 weeks left, and he was showing signs of depression. Saturday morning he told me he was staying strong and not giving up, but he wanted to just be left alone until the end of treatment. Suddenly, I asked him when he had last swallowed. Normally I’d say insert joke here, but this wasn’t a laughing matter. He said he hadn’t swallowed in about 3 days. I started reminding him he needed to swallow. I became persistent he needed to swallow.

First Argument: We had our first real argument since the treatment started that Saturday night. He wasn’t doing any of the throat exercises, now he wasn’t swallowing at all, and avoiding even the kids. I felt was in front of us was the difference between a few months recovery, or an extended recovery. I decided I needed to be firm. He needed to swallow. He needed to stop pushing the kids, and myself away. Cancer doesn’t give you a doctors note from parenting I told him. He could finish this treatment dreading each and every day. And if I had to, I would drag him through. Or, he could muscle through it with his family by his side. He got mad at me. Said it was too much for him right then. He told me to, “Get out. Just leave the room.” I told him, “NO. I am staying here and not leaving you. You should not be alone right now.” I slept on the little chaise in our bedroom.

Sunday morning, he was up and showering. He wasn’t talking to me, but he was obviously making an effort. Suddenly, the entire thing caught up to me as well. I started crying for no reason. He comes out of the shower and said, “I’m doing what you wanted. Why are you crying?” I just shook my head and said the truth, “I don’t know why. I just need a moment myself please.” I stayed upstairs for awhile by myself, and just cried for a few minutes. First time since treatment started. In the modern age of couple fighting, we made up quickly over cute sappy text messages back and forth.

July 23rd: weekly app with Radiation Dr. & RN: He made more of an effort the following few days, but his symptoms were getting worse and worse. He began having more pain in his throat. Monday, we met with the Dr. Lowther, and he said everything was on track. He had lost a little more weight and was down to 235 from 253 on June 20th. Side effects were What was to be expected at this stage. I mentioned the no swallowing to the RN and she encouraged him to swallow 2-3 times daily at least. She mentioned Kaiser has a great therapy program if needed after treatment. Kevin said he would try to swallow each day. “Just hang in there, your doing good,” was the overall message.

Finally Swallowed: Monday night he did swallow, which caused a terrible hour of vomiting. With a throat already burned to hell from radiation, this was obviously extremely painful. The good news, he said it wasn’t hard when he actually did it. So, he still has the ability to swallow. Small relief. He still seemed down though, and now he wasn’t able to talk but a few words at a time, because of the phlegm

Remaking the Radiation Mask: On Tuesday,  they did a lot more measurements and another scan. They decided Kevin had lost too much weight in his neck, and they needed to remake the radiation mask. This had been something we were dreading to happen right at the end. He was finally seeing the finish line and we had been warned it could stop treatment for a week or more. Thankfully, they remade the mask the same day. He could continue treatment till Thursday with the old mask, miss only one day, and start with the new treatment and mask on Monday. Tremendous relief! It will only delay final treatment by one day! We will take that!

From Sadness – Hidden Strength: On Wednesday, Kevin found out a high school classmate, Nina M. Bagnasco-Winters, had passed away after a battle with cancer. It brought immediate tears to my eyes when I read it. Another classmate, Cathie Machado, encouraged him, “DON’t STOP BELIEVING !!!!” Something changed in Kevin after that. The next afternoon, on our way to radiation, I told him he looked really good today. I asked if he was feeling better. He said, “NO, I’m actually having pain in my throat and my mouth is awful. Worried about the treatment today.” I told him, “You just seem better for some reason. Like, you look better today.” His response shows my husbands character, and why I am so proud of him as a person. “I need to handle this better. Not everyone is given the same chance of survival like I have. I need to appreciate that and get through this.” He found hidden strength. He’s #CimoliStrong.