Caretakers viewpoint . . .

Today was #20, and 15 more radiation’s to go. 

Hard to give an update without getting emotional right now. I watch my husband and so many feelings stab my heart, while others swell it with pride. 

RELIEF: First and foremost, relief he is not in pain. As I type that, I debate putting the word ‘yet’, so as not to jinx him. Every treatment brings changes in his throat and saliva. Every day we watch for signs of spots that could mean thrush. Everyday we watch for sores to form. Relieved everyday we don’t find them. 

GRATITUDE: To have better than great odds and a fighting chance to kick this cancers butt. Grateful to those who continue to message words of encouragement. To those who would not take no for an answer and insisted on giving/helping when our world felt like it was shattered, and we thought we just wanted to be left alone. To those who have been through it, and knew what we would need, when we didn’t. Thank you. 🙏🏼

INSECURITY: I’m not a nurse! I am a fixer but I’m more of a technical person. I’m inpatient. A whole lot of ADHD. That’s why I’m good at advertising and marketing. That’s also what makes me not so good at nursing. With that said, I can’t imagine not caring for my husband and being there everyday. It does bring a lot of anxiety and insecurities. I’m not ‘doing it right.’ Or, somehow I caused a side effect, by not giving him enough, or giving him too much.  Or, giving him too many meds trying to fix another issue. Just as when my kids were babies, the love for my husband pushes me to slow down, take a deep breath. Anxiety causes mistakes. I slow down and dig deep, and find patience to care for him. 

LONELINESS: I’m spending more time with my husband than ever before. Kevin isn’t just my husband, he’s my best friend, as well as my business partner. Cancer treatment takes a toll on him physically and mentally though. He is still in there but he needs this time to rest his body to fight the cancer. I’m caring for him and I don’t want to take his energy. He doesn’t feel well most of the time and sleep is part of the healing process. Also, it’s getting harder for him to talk. So, I’m running the business on my own and all decisions are on me. New sales are exciting and I do share them, but just quickly. Normally, we brain storm and strategize together about the ads. It’s a lot less exciting on my own. It’s a whole lot lonely seeing him but not talking to my best friend. When the loneliness gets overwhelming, I go to his side of the bed, and make him move over. He sleeps sitting up now. I semi-lie/sit next to him, in his space, and he just gets it. Sometimes, he senses it himself, moves over and pats the bed. 

FEAR & ANXIETY: These fears pop in my head and I acknowledge them, but I know these are anxiety based so I breath deep. I don’t let the fear take over but I will share them. I’m strong and anyone who knows my background, knows my resiliency. Acknowledge the fear so that fear does not take control: Is the treatment right? Is it working? Am a caring for him correctly? Is he depressed? Am I depressed? Are the kids okay? Am I forgetting something? Did I file that form? Did I return that call? Can I handle the magazines/agency on my own? Am I doing enough for my clients? Can we rebound? Will he need surgery afterwards? Will the cancer return? Will my husband be okay? WILL KEVIN BE OKAY? 

ADMIRATION: Looking through all those fears, through the anxiety and loneliness, and I see my husband. I see my best friend. I see Kevin and Kevin is fighting. I see absolute fear in his eyes as we sit in the car outside the daily radiation appointments. He says it’s like being “water boarded” for 10 minutes. I silently watch. He closes his eyes, breaths deep, and takes 10 minutes to meditate and pull it together. He then tells me, “Lets take our picture now.” No matter how bad he feels, he puts a smile on his face. As he goes into treatment, I send the pic to our kids. Even at his tiredest, or feeling the worst, he finds enough energy to say, “Thank you Jamie.”

DETERMINATION: All the feelings, emotions, moments combine and what we are left with is resolute determination. Determination to stay strong. Determination to fight. Determination to kick cancers ass. Determination to gain control of our lives again.